It's time...

It’s time for me to get “Mary’ed” up! 
 Yes, I’m already married… I’m talking about a whole other kind of Mary’ed. 

"As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”       (Luke 10:38-42) NLT

So wow. To be completely honest… I was dealing with some weird emotions. I recognized them as not normal and definitely not truth… as I was processing them aloud last night with Cole, "where did they come from" and "help me speak against these lies"…
I was feeling:
  -not needed, insecure
            -no value, no purpose

I realized (which I have many times before) that my life has always been and is continuously so “performance-based”…

I’m a busy-bee, productive-person, efficiency-engineer….. I get things done-- and I like to. It’s not all bad, it’s part of my giftings for sure… but I’ve been put in a season where that is all halted (at least in a position to where I can gain acknowledgements for it, accolades, a pat-on-the-back, a feeling of “they-couldn’t-get-by-without-me”, a hero of the moment). 

No, this was all halted… as I was knee-deep in diapers, discipline and all the chaos in-between. And it’s not like my baby boy is going to thank me for cleaning up his poop all over himself, me and the couch. My two-year-old is not going to tell the world that I just cleaned up his buckets of water all over our hardwood floor without freaking out on him. My dishes aren’t going to gain a voice and thank me for putting them away.  

Talk about for an “Audience of One"... and I'm reminded: 

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters..." (Colossians 3:23)

So here I am, embarking on summer camp. The camp where typically I had some performance-based role. Whether it was managing people, organizing registration, calculating rooming situations and numbers, speaking a message—always something. Now I was left feeling “purpose-less”, or I guess you could say “useless”. Why am I even going? Why are we having “babysitters”? I might as well just sit with the boys alone all day.

Then I heard/felt it clearly. It’s time for you to get Mary’ed up! I’ve been Martha for too long. And everytime I’ve recognized that fact and known I need to slow down and just sit at His feet and sit amongst others relationally…. I find an excuse, or better yet I find people that people “NEED” me to do something for them. Not this time.

This time I NEED to be with Him and do the basics-- 

Let’s face it, normally I’m “too busy for people.” How ridiculous does that sound? I know! Walking along… barely acknowledging the people who I’m “doing it all for”. Just to get ‘er done… and keep being productive.

Well now I have no excuse… and leave-it-to-me… I would’ve found one no doubt! But He’s clearly spoken…. PLEASE BE A MARY RIGHT NOW. SLOW DOWN. Stop performing and seriously CONNECT. 

"Connect with Me, connect with people. LOVE ME, LOVE PEOPLE."

So I’m ready, but I’m really uncomfortable. And as silly as this sounds I feel like I’m going into “uncharted territory”. And I’m putting this out there, for others who may be like me and need the encouragement to “Get Mary’ed up!!” and for accountability for myself. 

Allow no excuses to find busy-work to hide behind… 
it's time to CONNECT and LOVE. 

Please excuse the utter messiness of this entire post. It was written quickly in the midst of packing and cleaning. Everything in me wants to keep it to self. But I believe I'm supposed to post it. This is raw, this is quite frankly a bit embarrassing, but this is my "no turning back moment." Ready to obey whole-heartedly... all the while praying, "Lord, please just let no one read this." Eek. 

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