I've been hesitant as whether or not to share this publicly, but I can't stop thinking about it... so therefore I start to write.
The loss of life is never an easy thing to deal with. This life was so new, I didn't have the chance to hold, talk with, walk with this life... so there was less attachment, but it was life inside of me, none-the-less. Baby Z had a heartbeat. Baby Z had a place in our hearts and lives, even for that short time. Caleb will still ask about Baby Z. Last night he asked me to pray that Baby Z would come back, that Baby Z would grow stronger and stronger. When I tried to explain that Baby Z was in heaven, he said we could call him on Jesus' phone and talk to him for sure. Caleb actually destroyed the flowers in the backyard that we planted to remember the life of Baby Z. When I asked him why he pulled them up, he said... Baby Z doesn't like yellow, he likes red.
Through this incredible journey and loss, I'm had an amazing amount of peace-- peace of mind and heart. I've really been okay, I've been well. I feel as if I've been carried through it for sure. I have a great Helper. (John 14:26 NASB)
So here's the part that may sound crazy to some. But I know that I know it's been my reason for such great peace and trust during this time. On a very normal Tuesday morning, I grabbed my Starbucks from the cafe and was running a little late to the women's Bible study time in our chapel after dropping the boys off. I stood in the back. We had guests in town, The Katina's leading us in the song "Blessed be Your Name." I felt an overwhelming sense off loss, that I was about to lose something. That God was telling me to prepare me. Then I heard in my heart.... "you are going to be pregnant and you are going to lose the baby."
It was only two days later that we found out I was pregnant. Of course we celebrated this and were excited. I didn't share that moment with anyone, probably for a couple of reasons... I thought I could be wrong or crazy, I didn't want to speak that out loud, and it really was in the back of my mind. So we celebrated life. We were making plans for the arrival in October, looking into bunk beds for the boys. Preparing for this little life to come.
Until the day it happened... We lost the baby. Then I remembered. He told me. I shared this with Cole right away. I immediately had such an overwhelming amount of peace-- a gift of peace, something that the world cannot offer.
leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is
a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27 NLT)
I rest assured in God's sovereignty, in His greater plans and purposes and the affirmation that He loved me so much and wanted to make sure I knew this love. That He does speak to me. I do hear His voice. (John 10:27 NLT) And this deepened my belief. Then I found these words of Jesus that He shared with His closest followers before He was crucified--
"I've told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me." (John 14:29 MSG)
In an attempt to keep this short, I will sum it all up to say... I hope you can be encouraged that you are on His mind. That He loves you, He has beautiful plans for your life. Plans full of hope. No matter what mess you might be in the middle of, He can truly make something beautiful out of it. I'm not someone special that He speaks to me, I'm just His daughter that's been longing to hear His voice. He wants to be heard by you as well. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
Labels: believe, Jesus, life-changing, miscarriage, truth, wifeys